I wonder sometimes why life is so relative. Problems are relative, poverty is relative, faith is relative. Is love relative? I feel like I have never really lived. I feel like not even a ghost--to be a ghost you have to have felt emotions intense enough to leave a mark on the psychological dementions of a place. Maybe some people are not really meant to live after all. Its hard when you can't find what you're meant to do in life. Some people say do what you love but I do not even know what I love. I suppose I love to research and think but that's stupid. Nobody cares about that.
I have been thinking a lot about faith lately. Last night I watched the History Channel's special on the Seven Deadly Sins. Sloth, it seems, was originally associated with depression and saddness. But how can something you cannot help really be a sin? The historians said they believed that it was because it puts you in a state of apathy, takes you away from the calling of god, your divine duty or whatever. Well it might be a little bit easier if God could tell me what the hell my divine duty is anyway. Most people figure this out by the time they are a senior in college but I haven't. I suppose Sloth is a form of being self-centered. Not being able to look out beyond your own pain to see the beauty of the world.
But that's not true. The most depressed people I know love the beauty of this world. It's not that we don't appreciate the world and the people and the relationships of it--it's just that we feel we can't ever fit into it because in some respect we do not deserve it. We don't fit in just right so we'd rather not be a part of it because it's too hard to watch other people being happy when you are consigned to a life of misery for whatever reason. I think the folks at the History Channel are right, though. Sloth is more about saddness than laziness.
I feel like I am Ophelia from Bob's Desolation Row...
"Ophelia, she's neath the window. For her I feel so afraid. On her 22nd birthday, she already is an old maid. To her death is quite romantic--she wears an iron vest. Her profession's her religion, her sin is her lifelessness. And though her eyes are fixed upon Noah's great rainbow, she spends her time peaking into desolation row."
Anyway I must be off to play practice. I'm stage managing again, go figure. It's this little mellodrama thing with sword fighting and all that shit. Should be great fun.
Monday, January 05, 2009
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3 comments:
Hi Emily, long time no read. I missed hearing your 'voice'. I'm not sure this will be any consolation, but I for one am still wondering what the hell it is that I am doing, and wondering what it is I 'should' be. It seems like there should be some specific 'thing' for me to do or be, instead of just my own fallible choice. But maybe it's some myustcial combination of both these things.
Sloth, the way you desribe it from that tv program, is certainly something I identify with. Laziness doesn't really cover it. But perhaps only those who experience that can understand the difference. I often wonder of the more perfect person I would be if I wasn't so 'wrapped up' and contained by my own whatever.
On love - ICK! - the romantic kind may not last, but when I've felt love, of any kind, at the time it felt absolute. I hope this ultimately means something. I agree with what you say about mercy. That's what I call love. I'm not Bob Dylan, but here's my lyric - 'Well said, sister soul'.
By the way, my favourite sin, the bain of my life, is pride. Oh my great self, how do I love thee, let me count the ways ...
Haha, hey Stephen!
I decided to return to blogging, but I don't know how long it will last. I figured it might help me figure things out as this is my last semester and all that.
Love is ok, I guess. Don't mind me I am just bitter about how my out love life has not worked out, see previous entry. But yes, any kind of love is worth celebrating--family love, best friend love, Buster love. Buster, who is still alive at 11 yrs old by the way, slept in my bed the whole time I was home. That is a cute love. Or maybe he just liked my bed. I choose to believe it is love though.
My favorite sin is Envy. It's just so complex and interesting. I think Envy leads to a lot of the other sins like Pride and Sloth and comes from sins like Lust and Anger.
Good to hear from you. I'll be reading your blog from the shadows, hehe.
Great to hear from you too. I'll blog myself one of these days. It was nice to hear that Buster's still well and enveloping you with his Buster love! Take care.
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